Debunking myths on genetics and DNA

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Sunday Snippet - GENE CARDS




From GENE CARDS, Chapter 2:
The pain--the hardest thing is the pain.
He doesn’t mind the darkness, or the stench of latrine. He doesn’t mind the rats gnawing his cot, or the screams haunting the hallways like drunken ghosts.
The hardest thing is the pain.
It slices through his chest like a chilled blade. His lungs freeze, his throat gags for air. There’s no escape. Pain is his harshest prison.

This is from Julian's POV. He's not a happy lad. ;-)

The above is my Sunday snippet submission for the Weekend writer Warriors (you can find the Snippet Sunday group on Facebook, too). Make sure you check out all Weekend writer Warriors participants, it's a fun way to find forthcoming books -- all genres welcome, there's something for everyone's tastes.

Download the first chapter of GENE CARDS here. You can also enter the Goodreads giveaway to win one of two signed copies!

On other news, my short story Lady Lilith is now Amazon! But wait, just read it for free, free is better! ;-) --> sign up!

23 comments:

  1. Good line--"Pain is the harshest prison."

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  2. I like the way you describe the pain with short sentences that moves the passage forward with a sense of the words punching him further with each syllable. I like your style.

    http://joycelansky.blogspot.com

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  3. Wonderful descriptions of the pain he's going through. I agree with Gem. I love the last line.

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  4. Those short tight sentences make it all very real. One doesn't wax eloquent when in mind-numbing pain : ) Well done. And, I'm curious what is causing him all that pain.

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  5. Graphic descriptions, and I wonder what's causing the pain.

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  6. Wonderful snippet -- really drew me into the scene.

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  7. "Pain is his harshest prison."

    This 8 is so powerful Elena! Bravo! :-)

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  8. Grim but extremely effective. You don't waste a single word and the impact is stunning. Great 8!

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  9. This was great :D Your descriptions are lovely. It's a dark scene and your words make it come to life. I live with chronic pain due to a genetic disease, and it certainly feels like my body is a prison at times. That's an apt description! I'm curious about why he's in pain. It sounds like he's being imprisoned for some reason :(

    "His lungs freeze, his throat gags for air." Something about this strikes me as a bit off. The throat gagging for air. Gagging is more of a choking action while gasping is struggling to breathe. Also, it sounds a bit off that his throat is gasping, I don't know why. I would rephrase it like, "His lungs freeze, and he gasps for air."

    Great snippet :) Thanks for sharing!

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    1. I'm sorry you are dealing with chronic pain, that sucks :-( In fact, that's exactly what's causing my character the pain. He's imprisoned, but he's also very sick and suffers from these pain flairs, hence the last sentence... thanks so much for your lovely comment ! And thanks for the suggestion, I will edit accordingly.

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  10. My husband's father deals with chronic severe pain. Aside from a partial amputation of his right leg, he has debilitating headaches and surgery on both shoulders in the last two years. He apparently takes the same pain meds as do cancer patients. He's also stubborn as h-e-double-toothpicks. I have no idea how he keeps his sanity. I would be long gone if I'd suffered as much as he does.

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  11. I agree about the short sentences, but I'm curious about what's causing him so much pain.

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  12. thank you all so much for the lovely comments! Julian's very sick... which is why his sister has to break him out of jail before he dies.

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  13. I love short sentences and analogies.
    This one is great: " the screams haunting the hallways like drunken ghosts."

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  14. Love the emotional impact of the words that you captured with 8! Definitely, pulls the reader into the moment.

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  15. Amazing descriptions. Can't wait for next week.

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  16. Oh, poor Julian!

    I don't know yet if he's a hero or a sympathetic villain, but I'm already on his side.

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  17. I love it. I wonder why he ended up there though.

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  18. thanks so much everyone for the kind comments! another four weeks and you'll all find out! ;-)

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